Perhaps you’ve heard that there’s some sort of fortune telling that was believed to be told by the Mayan culture back in the days when Omar Vizquel, Darren Oliver and Takashi Saito were just babies. Supposedly they talk about how the world will end in 2012. More specifically December of 2012, and I believe they’ve set a date like the 21st or something. Whatever it is, we’ll hear about it all year and I’m sure the story will be told in a variety of ways. Remember we have survived previously perceived dates of rapture before though, so we have experience in freaking out accordingly.
But let’s have a little fun to end the year, because I obviously am not out getting crazy or watching any yahoos on TV ruin my night in San Jose and instead am hanging out on my computer writing about something that pretty probably won’t happen. Yes, you may use that. What if Brian Sabean believes the world will end in 2012? Clearly people like Kenny Williams do not, but what about Brian Sabean? What will he do to push in all the chips to make sure the San Francisco Giants win the last World Series ever? Let’s try to predict what will happen month-by-month.
January-March: Brian and company still working on Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum deals. Will do so until March. Arbitration hearings also scheduled with some of their athletes. Timmy gets a 2 year deal in the end. Matt Cain gets some 8 year deal. Spring Training going swell.
April: Brandon Belt gets demoted to AAA. Sabean and Bochy toast to a job well done. Boof Bonser gets the last bullpen spot because the Front Office “loves his story.” Melky Cabrera called a “great defensive force” by Bochy. Brian Sabean satisfied with team and has kept payroll under $130MM, pleasing the stakeholders. At the end of April, the Giants, D-Backs and Dodgers all tied for 1st. Sabean and Coletti start discussing trade possibilities for Juan Uribe and Aubrey Huff.
May: Aubrey Huff is off to a hot start and Sabes and Coletti notice. Uribe and Huff straight up swap with the Giants getting Frank McCourt to pay for the insurance on Uribe’s contract. Sabean feels smart until Uribe goes on the DL with a regular hernia and Brandon Crawford still struggling to hit above the .100 batting average line. Pitching staff doing swell and Barry Zito has been put in the bullpen in favor of Bonser (“I love this guy’s story!”). A somewhat tough schedule in May has the Giants 3 back of Arizona. Sabean begins to work his magic again, calling up other GMs but not responding to other GMs when they call him.
June: Barry Zito goes on the DL with blisters on his fingers from extreme jam sessions. Boof Bonser continues to take his place but is sucking. Eric Surkamp to the rescu– oh crap he hasn’t learned to hold runners on. Brian Sabean panics, trades Eric Surkamp and Francisco Peguero to the Marlins for Roy Oswalt. Marlins throw in Kevin Gregg because they hate him. Sabean tried to get Scott Cousins but Cousins vetoed the trade by charging his GM even though he had a path straight thru the doorway and could’ve just said “no.” Giants still have a problem at SS but that’ll be issued in July. Giants start getting hot while the D-Backs cool off, and now they’re 1 game apart.
July: All five Giants starters go to the All Star Game in Kansas City (Tony La Russa comes back, loves Bonser’s story), but no position players. Phillies fans upset at Ryan Howard for not trying to come back from the DL sooner. Anyway, the end of July comes and the Giants are only 3 up on the D-Backs. Sabean trades Gary Brown, Travis Ishikawa and the Rainy Day Fund to the Cleveland Indians for Asdrubal Cabrera. MLB Network saying Asdrubal Cabrera puts the Giants “over the top.”
August: Did I mention Brett Pill has been playing since the Huff trade? Anyway, Pill gets traded in August for cash, a PTBNL and a Rainy Day Fund to the Oakland A’s because they really need another 1Bman. Belt gets called up after hitting a record 50 HR for Fresno. Barry Zito comes back and dominates in the bullpen. Bochy says Zito “worth every penny” drinking his glass of wine after an August victory. The division is the Giants’ to lose. They’re up by 5 games on the D-Backs who lead the Wild Card over the Braves who are starting their collapse early. Brandon Belt does get traded at the waiver deadline, much to the surprise of Giants fans. Keith Law interviews with the Giants because he feels he can do better than Sabean.
September: Asdrubal Cabrera and Melky Cabrera get injured after realizing they have the same last name and creating some over the top stupid high-five greeting. They’re both out for the season. Boof Bonser and Barry Zito start dominating in the bullpen together in the 7th and 8th innings leading the bridge to Brian Wilson in the 9th creating the dreaded and predictable “Killer B’s” everyone could see coming. With the D-Backs not willing to surrender to fill the holes in their rotation and bullpen, they end up falling further behind the Giants and watch them eventually clinch on Tuesday, September 25th, which just happened to be “Boof Bonser bobblehead night.” Turns out the fans love his story, too.
October: Giants finish the season 95-67, 8 games ahead of the D-Backs (see what I did there?). They face the Phillies in the first round. Juan Uribe comes back just in time for the playoffs from his regular hernia to deliver multiple clutch hits to get the Giants to win in 5. They then face the Reds, who Sports Illustrated picked to win the World Series. Anywho, Brandon Crawford goes nuts on these guys with a HR in each of the 4 games the Giants win in a 4-game sweep sending them back to the Fall Classic.
World Series: Rotation of Lincecum-MadBum-Cain-Vogelsong/Oswalt faces off against who else but Nolan Ryan and the Texas Rangers who just love going to the latest point in the season without bringing home anything. Since the AL finally won the ASG the Rangers feel like this is their year. Well, they go down with 2 losses at home, and then Buster Posey and Pablo Sandoval effectively end their dreams and reason for existing by hitting base-clearing triples on consecutive nights in Games 4 and 5 to lead the Giants to their 2nd World Championship in 3 years. Angel Pagan named WS MVP due to his name alone. Bochy calls him “a winner like Joe Saunders.”
Giants fans can’t believe this has all happened. But you know who can believe it? This guy:
Because it was all apart of the plan. Last World Series ever belongs to us, baby.