I am not a culinary master but I have watched Diners, Drive-In’s and Dives more than a few times so I know that food exists out there. The reader will probably disagree with most of my selections, and if you are vegan, this post will probably not sit well with you either. I’m not going to do every stat because that would take forever. Instead, I am only conveniently going to choose stats I thought I could talk about.
Batting Average — Sliced bread. Everyone thinks it’s the “best thing.” Until you research a little and realize things have come out since sliced bread.
Home Runs — Steak. They’re delicious, you wish you could have it just about everyday, and if you’re really hungry you could eat one in 22 seconds, like a trip around the bases.
Stolen Bases — Spices. Normally, they make everything taste a little better, and they also make a player’s resume look a little better if they’re a competent baserunner.
RBI & Pitcher Wins — Candy. As kids we find it awesome and indulge them as much as possible because it makes us feel good, and even big leaguers love to have a sugar intake as well. Then we start to figure out that they’re not good for us because they might make us less useful and maybe there’s more to life than candy because it might lead to diabetes and thinking Joe Saunders is a winner.
Strikeouts — Bacon. This is what you look for when you are eating, and the more bacon you have on your resume, the more impressive you’re going to be for your peers. A hot dog? Ok. A BACON-WRAPPED HOT DOG? YES! A baked potato? Nice. A BAKED POTATO WITH BACON BITS? GIVE ME TWO!
Walks — Lima beans. Sure they might be good for you sometimes, but most of the time they’re god-awful and you want to stay away from it.
UZR — Fruit-blended V8. It sounded intriguing when it came out (get your daily servings of fruit AND vegetables in a serving? Yes, please!), then you tried it out and realized there was still work to do.
WAR (any of them) — French fries. They are a popular side (and normally are also given in large quantities) to any meal wherever you go, but if you treat it like the main course — especially if it’s the only thing you eat, you might realize you’re going to feel kind of unsatisfied.
Fielding Percentage — Cheap beer. Just because you’ve gotten to every can of Keystone/Natty/Bud Light shouldn’t make you a champion of the people. I mean, what about that draft beer on the other side of the room in the cooler on the grass? You couldn’t get to that one, but no one noticed because the host doesn’t dock you points for having poor taste/range.
Saves — Mint chocolate chip ice cream. It’s stupid and gross.
I’m sure you guys can think of some, and you probably have comparisons better than mine as well. I would love to hear them in the comments section, especially so other people can check out your genius!